“Let me make sure that you are my reality, not just something my mind made up.

Let me hear your laugh again, so I don’t go insane thinking about it.”

I started to write those words and it struck me hard to see the truthfulness in them.
“I don’t think you should exclude yourself to one kind of person. Because that is unfair for the rest of the people who are interested in being with you. Personally, I really like you and I really wish you could me give a chance, and I promise you that you won’t be disappointed”

Those words. Those exact words that I had been wanting to tell her. But I don’t have enough courage to tell her.

I wish she was here again. I just want to tell her those words. However, it seems like she isn’t there anymore. I feel like the memory of her isn’t reality anymore, and it’s just something my brain had made up.

I’m going insane thinking about her every night. No matter how good the day had been for me. Every time I do something fun, I always imagine us doing it together.

Everything had ended so fast. All I did is telling her that I like her. I thought we are cool afterward, but I guess that was just her mask. The mask that consumed all the awkwardness that she had against me.

I hope to see her again. And then I can start a new chapter in life.

One more time. Let me see your smile.

One more time. Let me see your beauty.

One more chance. Give me one more chance.

I want to see you again. I want to hear your laughter.

Let me make sure that you are my reality, not just something my mind made up.

Let me hear your laugh again, so I don’t go insane thinking about it.

Tear dropping, heart tearing, mind numbing, and emotional trembling.

Please let me see again. Please let me hear you again.

Please touch me again, so I can regain consciousness.

Please come back before I break down.

I miss you.

Just when I thought that I would open up to you. You then disappear in my life. I thought there was a connection between us. I thought we had passed the phase where we are still shy for each other.

As soon as I express my feeling to you. You left me, alone.

Sad and lonely. Smiling but hurts.

It’s sad that when you needed him, he was the one that listened to you. But now when he is the most vulnerable, you’re never there for him. At first, he thought he has many friends; but now, he can only see three.

It’s rude to tell people about your life story without listening to theirs.

It’s rude to tell strangers about your past without giving them any background information.

It’s rude to be you.

I don’t understand you anymore. Every words and every actions that you created just make me hating you more and more.

In the end, I don’t think your existence should be valuable to anyone.

Ever put on a sad song?

Ever cry in the shower?

Ever feel emotionless?

It’s one of though night again. The night where everything is being lifted off my chest but I can’t feel anymore.

It was good to open up. But I feel weak and vulnerable. Is it better not to speak my feeling in the first place?

I’m not crying, my eyes are just wet.

I’m not feeling, my body is too numb.

I’m glad everything is settle. But I don’t think this is the end.

I want to make a change.

I willmake a change.

Black and white.
So quiet. So boring.
Looking for excitement.
But life is lacking something.
Maybe the time is now.
Time to grow up.
Time to settle down.
Can’t be so emotionally struck like this anymore.
Sick pity life that one is currently living.
Emotionless with lack of energy.
Rotting from the inside out.
Need to end the sorrow soon.
Before the end struck.
Waiting ‘til the next day.
To be able to talk to you once again.
To be happy once again.
To be normal.
To be human.

I still hesitate to speak up sometime.

Imagine. Being surrounded by walls. In the dark room. No way out. 

I can’t cry anymore because the tears had dried out.

I can’t scream anymore because I lost my voice trying.

All I can do is to save energy. Waiting for the rescue.

Suddenly, there is a light coming from a small hole.

The hole gets bigger and the light spreads out.

Suddenly an angel appears.

Thought of going to die. I refuse to go to her.

Too much in this world for me to take care of before I have leave.

Her hand reaches out for me.

I refuse to reach back.

Slowly and strongly, she tugs me out of the dark room.

I fell into her arm.

Her warmth touches my whole body. 

“I ask for forgiveness”, I said.

“Why…?”, She asked.

I look into her eyes.

Lift her chin up.

And passionately kissed her.

Thought that the world is filled with loneliness.
But the truth is that I was wrong.
There are many opportunities out there.
Since I wasn’t looking, I don’t see it.
But eventually, the electric spark.
And I see you, appear all the sudden in my life.
And I ask myself if I should just settle down.
And stay loyal to the one and the only.
Then I made up my mind.
I want to pursuit. I want this to be the last.
I going hard, all energy, all desire.
Focus on chasing you, changing my dream, and my destiny.
In the end, I hope that you will see the effort and appreciate my intention.

Close your eyes. Let your other senses get to work. Listen to the word from the distant with your ears. Feel the breeze brushing upon your face, slowing moving every single hair on your body. Let that breeze carries the delicious smell from miles away to your nose. The smell of bread from the local bakery. The smell of the flower from the flowerbed. The smell of pine from the row of trees. Mix all that with the addicting smell of the special person that you’re with.

Slowly listen to what they have to say. Slowly breathing in their inner spirit. Slowly touch them gently.

This is what love is all about. It isn’t looking for the one who will look the best. But going over the outer surface to find the beauty within.

Bitchin’ about your life and writing about your life is two different things. One is prefer, the other isn’t.