I’m heading to bed now. But I need to write something down so I don’t have to think about it throughout the night.

I really want to get out of this place and go back to Asia soon before I lose my sanity. I really want to go to Japan. I want to go to the rural area of Japan, cut off all my communications, and just spend some time with nature.

This is ridiculous, since I’m mostly find myself alone, however, I feel like this is the right choice to do. I’m tired of living in the world full of people who doesn’t acknowledge my existence. No matter how hard I tried to live my life, I constantly finding myself to be unappreciated. *Sigh*

I just need to be alone, really alone. Away from everyone for a while. I just want to reconnect with myself again. Finding peace and inner loving.

I feel that when I’m in a society. I feel rather more insecure, more depress, more stress out. And this is partially my fault. But I am also blaming the media for putting the image of ‘perfect’ in our head. It’s so bad that people won’t talk to you based on how you look. This is so sad, society is disappointing more and more, each and everyday. 

One other reason that I need to get out of here is that I don’t want to see that special person anymore. Even though we don’t see each other as much nowadays. Living in one area and seeing each other at mandatory meeting every week is just overwhelming. I’m very wrong in this situation. I should have just confronted her earlier on. Telling her that I like to be with her and I would like it if we are something more than just friend. However, due to the lack of encouragement and support, I was then too coward to do so. Slowly and slowly, my chance faded away.

Now, I feel like I have lost everything. I’m too busy to get anything done. I work too much and doesn’t get any social life. I spend too much time and devotion in thinking about a person I like and at the same time I’m too coward to approach them.

I wish there is an undo button in life. Just one time, that all I ask.

Sometime, thinking about all of these sufferings, I am glad that I am having them. Because this is life, if it would be easy, then everyone would be happy. Who know? Maybe in another reality, I would be with this person and be socially acceptable by everyone.

Oh life… You never know. Just hope for a better day tomorrow. Although we are constantly living in the past. There will never be a present. And the future is unpredictable.

I just hope that everything will fit right in the end. I just want to die knowing that every decisions I made was the right one.

Love. Pain. Happy. Smile. Sad. Mad.

End.

Have a good night.

I do not get myself anymore. I had lost my confident and ability to socialize normally. I think that I have been hurt badly throughout these past weeks, which made me afraid to approach people the same way again. 

I need to promise to myself that I will start regaining my strength. I need to get back on my feet to regain my ability to speak to people.

Venting:

I feel so lonely. I hardly talk to anyone anymore. I feel so useless in society now. I just wish something better would come; maybe some luck. Sometime I find myself walking up and down a market aisle, not looking for something, but just hope to find someone to talk to me. Time had been so hard on my life right now. My schedule is packed to every single second; however, I cannot find any motivation to do anything. 

I would say that I am a very social person. I cannot go a day without talking to another person. Sadly, thing had been like that lately. I am deeply social deprived and I really want to get out of these.

My body can handle stress really well. Often I find myself suppresses down many stresses that are happening to my life. I do not know if this is suppression or simply just denial. I am denying the existence of my bad grade, denying the existence of love, and denying, denying…

However, I am ready. I know that one-day reality will catches up to me, and it will hits me so hard that my whole body will collapse. I hope that day will happen soon, because waiting for something really increase the level of stress in me. 

I wish there is a cure for jealousy. Although I always feel like I am the king of the world. I often feel inadequate to many of my friends. I don’t get how a person who is obviously trying hard to succeed in life, have a very stable job, and have a chance to be very successful in the future; would be losing to many of my friends.

I do not know what I am really lacking. I have good memory, and I can really make a person laugh. Nevertheless, these traits set me out to the world as a creepy person. I am sorry that I know someone’s birthday even they told me only once.

I really do not know anymore. Honesty is not like what it used to be. I feel like the more I open up to a person, the more I get hurt; even though many people has told me that people will open up to me if I open up to them.

I do not think that I can continue on living in this sad life. Smiling everyday just to cry in bed isn’t a good phase for me to go through.

I promise myself that I will change today. I will start smiling more. I will live the life that I once live. I won’t let this recent break up hold me down. I love myself, I love my life, and I will find the old me and bring him out once again. To a better life!!!

I hate when the happiness end.
When everything I work hard for…
Crumple into ashes.
I hate when the tears in my eyes.
Keep burning as they glides down my face.
I hate when the world don’t listen.
When I tell them the story of my heart.
Just want to end the sadness.
Just want to regain the happiness.
Just want to live.
Just want to return…
Return…
To the world of fun.

I don’t have a Mercedes, 

But I will take you there.

I’m not rich,

But I can take you on a date.

I’m not romantic, 

But I can pick you off your feet.

I’m not fun,

But I can make you laugh.

I can’t take you to a fancy restaurant, 

But I can cook for you.

I don’t have a healthy heart,

But I really love you.